Aggressive Passivity

There comes a moment when everything becomes clear.

How many screws came loose in your head before that moment came for you? When I shook my head it sounded like a janitor falling down a staircase. "Crazy people don't know they are crazy," they said, and I agreed with them. After all they were right, I had no idea I was crazy or what I was capable of, and to a degree I still don't.

Right now there is something controlling you. It's holding you back. You are wrapped around its finger. An insignificant inhibition, to see across is easy, but to swim across a whole different story. It might be a person, it might be a belief, but its got you by the tail.

My friend Luke asked me the other day, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

It all became so clear. I practice aggressive passivity. I am my own roadblock.

"I want to write music," I said back to him.

Let me offer you some transparency. Do you know what I never do? Write music. When I was 19 I met a depressing drunk at a bar just outside of Grand Rapids. He told me he had tickets to see Styx in 1978, then something came up and he didn't go. I told myself, "I don't want to be this person." Three years later and I'm still that Styx guy. I'm not doing what I want to do. That's not entirely true, I did marry Rachel. I've made the necessary sacrifices to make our marriage a very happy one, but these sacrifices HAVE NOT gotten in the way of what I want to do. I have plenty of time to do what I want to do, I simply don't do what I want to do.

I'm just not meeting a goal. I live a great life day to day, but big picture I've made no progress on a singular goal. I've worked past day to day inhibitions. There are people in that phase right now. Every action they take has a weight, a value, a reason just like everyone. But that weight, value, and reason is determined by something other than themselves. If your actions don't help you achieve your goals, then your life is being dictated by something or someone that is holding you back. No one knows you better than you. It's the simple idea that you can create your own destiny. This is why Batman says, "It's what you do that defines you," and why Dumbledore says, "It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." Don't let yourself stop yourself from doing anything. Don't let other people stop you from doing what you want. Obviously use some form of discretion, not everyone should do everything they want to do. That would be chaotic, no one grows up wanting to scrape poop off the side of a toilet. But if that person takes time to do things they want, they can be happy.

In 20 years I hope i'm not sitting in a bar just outside of Grand Rapids telling a 19 year old kid that I was going to write music but something came up and I didn't do it.